Archive for the Humour Category

No Sex In The City by slaveofone

I just finished reading The Temple Scroll by Jacob Milgrom and want to take this moment to say, Holy crap! Okay, now that I got that out of my system, I need to reverse my saying because some Jews who got that out of their system in the past did not consider it holy. Defecation was a defiling activity in terms of Essene purity strictures. So was sexual intercourse, by the way.

Anyway, back to the Temple Scroll… This document is what is known as rewritten Torah. That means it takes a bunch of scriptural texts (Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy in this case) and has its artistically licensed and/or divinely inspired way with them. Other examples include Chronicles and Jubilees. It basically sets out to portray the way the Temple and everything that takes place inside or around it ought to be like according to the perspective of the Essenes. Two of the Temple Scroll’s departures from Rabbinic and (I would assume) normative Judaism’s tradition which really amazed me concern its purity regulations in terms of defecation and sex (two things that obviously should never have anything to do with each other).

The Essenes, in contradistinction with other sects like the Pharisees, believed that the city in which the Temple resided was under the same purity regulations as the temple itself. So if the Essenes took over, no one who was impure could enter or be in Jerusalem. And that means no sex in the city (I’m sure Sarah Jessica Parker doesn’t count). If you called Jerusalem home, you’d have to remain celibate. Even treating yourself to a little one-on-one time would be prohibited. If you wanted or needed a bit of loving, you’d have to leave the city. But then you couldn’t get back in for three days post coitus.

And a man who lies with his wife and has an ejaculation, for three days shall not enter the whole city of the temple in which I shall cause my name to dwell.

11Q19, Col. XLV, line 11-12

In this day and age, very few people give a shit. So maybe they’d fit in fine in Essene Jerusalem, because nobody would be able to poop therein. And on Sabbaths, you’re really out of luck, because the Temple Scroll placed the community toilets 4500 cubits outside Jerusalem, which was 1000 cubits further than an Essense was allowed to walk on the Sabbath (11Q19 46.15). Six days a week, you may release your bowels. But on the seventh, which is holy to YHWH, if you live in Jerusalem, you cannot. Sundays would really be crappy days.

Rate Your Jewish Theology by slaveofone

Sometimes I get into one of those moods… And when I do, strange things happen. Like this quiz I created: What Rabbinic School Do You Belong To?. Check it out and see which side of the great Jewish debate you stand on.

Audio Bible Anachronism by slaveofone

Last year, I purchased an absolutely incredible audio book, The Bible Experience: Old Testament. And I say this as one who abhors audio bibles generally and the NIV specifically (The Bible Experience is based on the TNIV). That is not to say there aren’t problems. But I was able to listen through 1 and 2 Samuel, Genesis, and Exodus without any serious hiccups. In Leviticus, however, I couldn’t help laughing at a ridiculously anachronistic absurdity…

The book starts out cool enough. As YHWH speaks to Moses in the Tabernacle about Levitical rites and regulations, we are greeted with the sound of knives being drawn, animals slaughtered, blood splashed, fat and flesh burning… You can almost smell the aroma of sizzling meat. The commands come alive viscerally. But as we move away from sacrificial regulations, an ambience of meditative monastic chant echoes across the backdrop. It was so obviously out of place that I almost wonder if such juxtaposition was intended to convey something. And if so, what? Moses was the first monk? Latin preceded Hebrew? Catholics hide in holy places? Goat-hair curtains and animal hide have cathedral-like acoustics? The Pope is Jewish?

Top Ten Worst Puns… by Mit The Destroyer

  1. 10. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
  2. 09. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was great.
  3. 08. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
  4. 07. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
  5. 06. Patient: “I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’”
    Doctor: “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
    Patient: “Is it common?”
    Doctor: “It’s Not Unusual.”
  6. 05. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you”, says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
  7. 04. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
  8. 03. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
  9. 02. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him….. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And #1 Top Ten Worst Puns for the week is…

  1. 01. And finally, there was a person who sent 10 different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least 1 of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Some great parodies of the I’m a Mac/PC comercials by Mit The Destroyer

Here are a couple of links to parodies of the I’m a Mac I’m and I’m a PC Mac commercials:

  1. Video Parodies
  2. PC VS MAC VS Linux

If you haven’t yet seen the original Mac commercials, get off your lazy but and head over to the apple site and watch them.

HAMAS is Wrong by slaveofone

The name of the terrorist organization which heads the Palestinian Authority is known as Harakat al-Muqawama al-Islamiyya or HAMAS. In Arabic, the acronym means zeal. But it is an interesting bit of irony that the acronym is identical to the Hebrew word חָמָס which means a wrong.

Anyone who has used Windows Vista will find this hilarious :) by Mit The Destroyer

It’s really sad that it’s true. But at the same time I can’t stop laughing. so without further adu: New Mac Commercial